


We Didn't Know How It Would Be

by tumblingthroughtime



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abused Castiel (Supernatural), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Dean Winchester, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bad Parent John Winchester, Businessman Castiel, Cas is kinda an asshole, Childhood Friends, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lawyer Sam Winchester, M/M, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rebel Castiel (Supernatural), Religious Castiel (Supernatural), Slow Burn, mild panic attack, ruby is a child
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:01:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23994925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tumblingthroughtime/pseuds/tumblingthroughtime
Summary: Dean Winchester had a good life. He had a job with his Uncle Bobby, Sam lived near him and he had good friends. Granted, somebody totalled his car, and he was drinking maybe a tad too much, but he was fine. He was dealing.Until the one person who could uproot his entire life walks through the door - the one person who haunts his dreams in the best and worst way - and doesn't even recognize him.His good life just got a whole lot more complicated.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester
Comments: 31
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [beautifullybrxken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifullybrxken/gifts).



> hey! this is my first destiel fic so please be kind! i am very excited to write this, and continue it. no set posting schedule or anything, sorry, but i will continue writing this. i would like to thank one of my best friends, beautifullybrxken, for giving me the idea for this fic and supporting me as i write it. i love you. also just saying i know nothing about cars and businesses. 
> 
> work title taken from the song little league by conan gray
> 
> that being said, please enjoy!

“Would you quit moping already?”

“Sam, you don’t understand—”

“Yes I do, Dean. I understand that you are unnaturally attached to that car.” Dean Winchester looks out the window of his brother’s crappy little Toyota, refusing to answer that ridiculous statement. He wasn’t _unnaturally_ attached, he was regularly attached. It was beautiful, and clean and not to mention the memories, with his dad, with his—

Nope, _nope_ , he is not going down that road again. Anyway, his wonderful, beautiful, downright boner-inducing car has been fucking totalled because _somebody_ — Sam —had decided it was a good idea to let his daughter, Ruby, practice driving on Dean’s fucking car. And Dean could never, ever, say no to Sam’s goddamn puppy eyes so Ruby crashed the Impala into a set of cement blocks, because she didn’t realize the gear was in reverse. Sam had bought Dean like 5 pies in apology, but being subjected to driving around in this car — if it could even be called that — was humiliating.

Sam was driving Dean to work because he obviously couldn’t drive himself. He worked as a mechanic at their Uncle Bobby’s auto-repair shop in Kansas. Bobby used to work out of his home in South Dakota but when Sam and Dean moved, they practically begged Bobby to move along with them. It took Bobby seven months, but eventually he moved Singer & Son Auto-Repair to Kansas. 

Bobby didn’t have any actual sons, when he originally named his business, he just thought it would bring in more business if people thought it was a family business. He wasn’t wrong, but the more Dean hung around there, and worked on cars and all together spent more time with Bobby, Dean sort of became the son he was talking about.

They arrived at the garage and Dean got out of the atrocity with one last glare at Sam. He walked up to the door and pulled it open, almost immediately feeling stupid. He’s worked here for four years now and still can’t remember it's a push not a pull. _Jesus._

Once he got inside, he made a beeline for the locker room, where he put on his jumpsuit to cover his jeans and Henley from the grease that was bound to come off the cars today. 

He still had about 15 minutes before his shift actually started, so he went out back to see how his car was coming along. Because he worked here, Bobby’s policy said he wasn’t allowed to have his car fixed here but since Dean was practically family, he and some of the other people around the garage have been working on it in their downtime. So far, the only thing that’s been fixed was that his bumper looked cleaner. This was gonna take forever, _God,_ fuck Sam and his stupid puppy eyes.

All of a sudden, he heard a terrible, ear-splitting, sound come from underneath the car. Before he even had a second to freak out about who the _fuck_ was messing around with car, he saw Benny pull out from under the car. 

“Jesus Christ, Benny, the fuck was that sound?” Dean has known Benny basically as long as he’s worked here. Benny has worked here for maybe a day longer than Dean, and they hit it off right away. Benny only works here part-time, the rest of the time he owns a Cajun restaurant that hasn’t been doing too well so he works here to balance out the income. Dean thinks it admirable how much he tries to take care of him and his wife, Andrea.

“Your goddamn engine, that’s what. I don’t even know how that’s possible.”

“Me neither, that ain’t normal. Jesus how bad did Ruby fuck this up?” Dean practically growled.

“I don’t know, man but you should seriously think about telling Jess to put a leash on her child, brother.”

Dean laughed and pat Benny on the back. “Aw man, Benny, you don’t know how much I’ve tried.”

Dean and Benny set off for the back room again, this time for Benny to shower before his shift was over and for Dean to check his phone. He had another apology text from Sam, sent about a minute after he dropped Dean off, and another one from Charlie that he didn’t bother reading because it had too many exclamation points. 

When Benny got out of the shower, it was Dean’s cue for his shift to start, so with one final wave to Benny, he left the locker room and went to find Bobby so he could clock in. Turns out he didn’t have to look far ‘cause Bobby was waiting for him right outside the door. “Where the hell you been, boy?”

“The hell you talking out, Bobby, I’m here on time,” Dean protested.

“I didn’t mean today, dumbass, I meant last night, when you promised you’d be over to fix my goddamn TV?” Bobby said gruffly.

“I told you, old man, I don't know nothing about computers and wiring and shit. I told you to ask Sam instead.”

“And I told _you_ , Sam was busy with that unruly kid last night.”

Dean thought for a moment then briskly remembered a text from Bobby that he didn’t bother reading in favour of taking another swig of his whiskey. It had been a pretty bad night, yesterday, but he’s fine. _Dean’s fine._ He just saw something that reminded him a bit too much of—somebody. _Anyway_ , he couldn’t tell Bobby that so he went with, “Oh, yeah, I think I was half asleep or something.”

Bobby gave him an assessing look, almost like he didn’t quite believe him, and knowing Bobby, he probably didn’t but he knew better than to push so he gave a (in Dean’s opinion, harsher than necessary) nod and hummed before changing the topic. Bless Bobby for always being able to read Dean so well. “Anyway a client just came in with a busted up engine, and since I saw you first, go get him, I’ve gotta deal with goddamn paperwork.” And with that, Bobby set off towards his office.

Dean went off towards the new guy’s car, and the minute he got the hood open, he knew this was gonna take at least the entire morning. He didn’t even know how this guy had been driving with this thing. He turned off his questions, and thoughts and got straight to work.

The good thing about when Dean got to work on a car—other than the fact that he loves it— is his brain entirely shuts off. He doesn’t think about anything except the current task at hand. His hands move methodically and he mentally checks off all the things that need to be done and all the parts that need to be ordered. The only part this car needed was a new engine — desperately, he noted — and for a relatively common car, at that, so they probably had the part in the back. 

He had to go and tell the guy about the extra charge for the spare part, and the guy was less than happy, but agreed to the price so Dean went to the back in search of the spare engine. When he opened the door, he immediately turned to the right, knowing exactly where everything was and started searching the shelves. When he found his part, he turned around and headed to the door, turning around briefly to wave and smirk at Jo, who had been subjected to taking inventory because she messed up the last car she worked on. In her defense, Dean had seen the car, and there wasn’t much she could do to salvage it in the first place.

When he left the room, he headed right back to the car, trying to finish the job before lunch. He put the engine where it belonged, tested it and smiled to himself about the job well done. It always left him beaming with pride after he finished a car. He honestly couldn’t do many things right, so when he finished a car, it filled him with satisfaction. 

He went to tell Bobby the car was done, let him test it to be sure, and let Bobby deal with the rest of the stuff with the customer. It was time for Dean’s lunch break.

Dean had a sort-of routine everyday for lunch. He went to the locker room, took off his jumpsuit, shallowly cleaned up and headed out the door. He went to a bakery about a five minute walk away from the garage. It was called Trick or Sweet and was run by this complete douchebag Gabriel. But, sometimes, he would get free pieces of pie (presumably so Gabe can get in with Sam, even though Gabe knows he’s married) so he wasn’t really complaining.

He went right to the cashier that he didn’t recognize and got his usual order of a ham sandwich, a soda and a slice of apple pie for dessert. He waited impatiently at the counter for his food; it was taking so much longer today. After 10 minutes, he decided to search out Gabe himself. He found him taking a fucking nap on the couch, which to his employees apparently meant they were allowed to slack off.

He gave an admittedly violent nudge to Gabe’s shoulder with his foot, and the man jumped up and was looking around terrified until his eyes landed on Dean. His eyes immediately slanted and he grunted out a “what” before falling back onto the couch. 

“Your employees aren’t even working anymore! I've been waiting for 20 fucking minutes for my food! Try a little goddamn harder to manage your fucking employees would you?” Okay, so Dean’s mouth got away from him a little bit when he was hungry, but—

His alarm suddenly went off, which means if he didn’t leave now he would be late for the rest of his shift at the garage. Fuck, and he hadn’t even eaten his lunch. This was definitely gonna affect his day. With one last burning glare in Gabriel’s direction, he angrily stomped out of the shop.

His walk back to the garage did not help his mood any, only making his hunger more prevalent, so by the time he got back to work, he was thoroughly pissed off. He hadn’t even said hello to anybody on his usual route, the people he saw everyday. He’d explain tomorrow, Dean’s sure they’d understand. He bypassed Jo and Bobby on his way—both knowing better than to disturb him when he got like this. He was headed right for the back of the garage, right to his car. He needed to get his hands on something, he needed to shut off his brain before his anger took over and the only way he knew to do that was cars.

He spent hours out there, or so he thought, the sense of calm that washed over him as he worked methodically, as his hands started to fix— _not break_ —and his brain started to quiet down. It was all starting to go okay, it was all starting to calm down, everything was beginning to quiet. 

Until he heard tentative footsteps approaching him and all that calm suddenly crashed. He could practically hear the glass breaking. He pushed out from under the car, only to realize somehow that the sun had set almost completely. Any longer and he wouldn't have even been able to see what he was doing. When he looked up it was to see Bobby standing there. He pushed himself onto his feet, grabbed the rag on the hood to clean his hands and slowly looked up at Bobby. “What?” He bit out. 

Bobby looked at him while his face did something Dean couldn’t quite decipher and walked closer to Dean. When he spoke, his voice was hard, never one to tread lightly, as he said, “There’s someone here whose car broke down. He’s asking for the best engineer on site, figured that was you. So get out there right now, boy.” Dean counted Bobby’s intervention as a small blessing, until his words sunk in.

Dean walked fast and furious, this new customer not helping his mood any. When anybody said they wanted to “see the best engineer” it meant that person was a) snobby, b) rich and/or c) stuck-up. Neither was a good option, a combination was the worst. They almost always thought garages were below them, dirty, grimy, hardly ever worth their time unless absolutely necessary. 

He was striding over in his most furious walk (seriously can a withdrawal of food do this to a person?) and he was bracing himself for clipped tones, harsh words and cold, undermining looks.

The one thing he didn’t anticipate was messy black hair and eyes the exact shade of blue he saw every night in his dreams. “C-Cas?” He whispered brokenly.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" And Dean shattered.

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got angsty real quick I am so sorry (sort of hehe)
> 
> also thank you to everyone who commented, left kudos and subscribed it means the literal world to me 
> 
> okay, read on!

_ When Dean Winchester was seven years old, he was still mourning his mother’s death and trying to cope with his new role in his brother’s life. His dad was out again, doing Dean only knew what. He had just put Sammy to bed at 9 PM on a Thursday night and Dean was bored. He went outside and sat on his porch.  _

_ It had been a bad day. Sammy was playing with his toys, and all Dean wanted to do was play with them too. It seemed like such fun, with all the little army men and lego blocks. So he had put down the dinner he was making (mac and cheese that was a bit burned) and went to go sit down with Sammy. But the second he sat down his brother started to cry and fuss, saying he wanted to play alone and Dean was just gonna mess up the game. His commotion brought their dad’s attention and he all but dragged Dean out by the hair. “What’s your job?” he said. “Tell me, what the hell is your job?” he started to yell.  _

_ “Take care of Sammy,” Dean would whisper. _

_ “That’s right, you take care of Sammy, you don’t play with him, you don’t upset him. You make his dinner, and put him to bed and you don’t upset him!” Around that point Dean had started to cry and John would yell some more and all Dean wanted was his mom back.  _

_ He went back to Sammy and said, “I’m sorry, Sammy. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I won’t try to play with you again.” And Sam would assure him _ it’s okay, it wasn’t a problem, _ even though Dean knew that it was. He gave one long look back at the toys, and never touched them again. _

_ He went back to the kitchen to try and finish the dinner he was making, but all he accomplished was figuring out that Sammy’s dinner was cold and burnt. He still had to give it to Sam, though, so he did, but Sammy started to scream about how it was cold and gross, and Dean paused on his way to giving his dad his beer. He wanted to rush back to Sammy, tell him to be quiet because Dean was scared. But Sammy wouldn’t care and John had already spotted him. So he gave him his beer with a shaking hand and thankfully all John did was say, “Do you not hear him crying? Go away.”  _

_ Dean went back to his brother on his father’s orders and tried not to cry when Sammy started to yell at him. _

_ Dean’s eyes started to tear up again at the thought of the day. Sitting on the porch, with the cool air in his face and his dad nowhere to be found, Dean started to cry. He cried at the memory of his mother, at how his dad prefers Sammy, at how Sam usually just yelled at him for doing nothing right and about how he didn’t think he’d ever get to be a child again.  _

_ All of a sudden he heard a rustle come from the side of his house. He wiped his eyes and nose on the sleeve of his shirt and grabbed the bat right on the inside of the doorway. He slowly and silently went down the stairs of his porch and went to the side of his house. He heard the rustle yet again, it came from behind the bushes that separated him and his neighbours. He had his bat at the ready when suddenly a boy jumped out from behind the bushes.  _

_ Dean screamed and swung his bat. The boy jumped and screamed and Dean dropped his bat. “Sorry! Sorry!”  _

_ The boy turned around to look at him and in the dark Dean could still see his blue eyes. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” the boy said. “I just heard somebody crying and I got worried.” _

_ “Oh,” Dean said. He didn’t think he was being loud. He had tried to be very quiet. He hoped he didn’t wake Sammy while he was crying like a wussy. He then remembered that he left Sammy alone, in an unlocked house, with nobody to protect him. Wow, did he _ have  _ to be such a failure all the time? His dad would seriously hurt him if he found out Dean was being so careless.  _

_ “Um… was that you?” he asked quietly. With that sentence, and the boy’s nice eyes, Dean told himself he could wait a bit to check on Sammy if it meant he could absorb some of the kindness he so rarely got to see. _

_ Dean didn’t know how to answer the question so he just nodded slightly and hoped the other boy wouldn’t make fun of him. But he didn’t. The boy just nodded and said, “I’m Castiel. What’s your name?” _

_ “D-Dean.” _

_ “Hello, Dean. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but are you okay?” he asked. Dean was kind of floored by the unexpected act of kindness so, again, all he did was nod. “Well, okay, then. My parents went to bed already. Do you want to play with me?”  _

_Dean’s immediate reaction was to say_ Yes, yes I would love to! _But then he remembered his dad’s words and didn’t want to risk upsetting him again. “I’m sorry, Caste-Cast-Cas,” he settled on. “I'm not allowed to.”_

_ The boy -- Castiel, he mentally corrected -- looked confused and maybe a little bit sad? “You-you’re not allowed to play?” he asked.  _

_ Dean just nodded shallowly and Castiel looked so sad that Dean felt he had to say something. “It’s okay, though, I mean I never really wanted to, or anything,” Dean lied.  _

_ “Okay, well, that’s okay, then. Do you maybe just want to talk?” Dean was worried that his dad would come home and see him outside, with Sammy sleeping alone and do something Dean didn’t want to think about, but looking at the boy’s eyes, Dean found himself saying a nearly silent “Yes.”  _

_ They sat right next to the trees, talking about movies and things Dean could never talk about with his Dad or Sammy. They spoke until the sun came up and Dean could finally see Castiel’s face. He smiled, then. A smile that warmed Dean almost as much as the sun that was rising.  _

* * *

That smile was a long ways away from the cold look he was currently receiving. That night was probably the best of Dean’s life, the memory he held closest to his heart. And now the man he loved more than anything was standing in front of him, without a hint of recognition on his face. Dean was breaking apart as the seconds wore on. 

Castiel looked at Dean with annoyance clear on his face, and that’s when Dean realized he’d been staring for a while without saying anything. He cleared his throat, looked down and murmured, “Sorry, no, yeah. Um…” Dean trailed off.

Castiel rolled his eyes and put his phone in his pocket. “Right, well, I have a meeting to get to in 20 minutes and I can’t do that if my car doesn’t work, so can you just fix it so I can get out of...here?” He said that last word with such clear disgust in voice, it made Dean recoil. His brain was reeling with the sudden change in his --  _ Castiel’s _ \-- demeanor. 

“I can’t -- um -- I -- I --” he stuttered. He could tell Castiel was getting more and more impatient but he couldn’t be here anymore. If he stayed any longer in front of him, he might pass out. He turned around and ran. He ran out of the garage

_ Cas is here, oh my fucking God, what the hell, how is this even possible _

he ran passed Trick or Sweet

_ Cas is here, but oh god he doesn’t even remember him but who would remember Dean, he’s so insignificant but Cas, he thought Cas would remember him _

he ran passed the little strip mall near his apartment

_ he thought that at least Cas would remember him Cas was the most important thing in Dean’s life all he ever thought about was Cas and he doesnt-- oh God _

he ran past the field filled with trees

_ Cas just left and now he’s back but back in all the wrong ways  _

he didn’t even know where he was at this point

_ Cas his Cas his dear beloved Cas was a dick what the hell happened _

he could see his apartment building coming up and his movement as well as his thoughts stopped racing

_ and Cas doesn’t remember him.  _

He finally stopped running when he reached his apartment building. Dean fished around his pockets for his key, only to realize he left it in his locker when he ran. “Oh God,” he whispered breathlessly. He buzzed his neighbour, hoping she was home and could let Dean stay at her place until Dean caught his breath and rationalized his thoughts. 

“Hello?” Charlie’s voice came through the buzzer.

“Hey, Charlie… I forgot… my key… can you… let me up?” he asked in between his deep breathing. 

“Yep!” her cheery voice came through and Dean pushed the door open when he heard the buzz. He walked slowly up the stairs, gripping the railing tight because his legs felt like jelly. He was way too out of shape to be running a distance that big. When he reached the third floor, he was just about ready to collapse, but Charlie was right there to pick him up. 

She helped him walk into her apartment and ushered him past the kitchen and into her living room, where he fell onto the couch. Charlie disappeared and Dean fell back on the couch. She came back about two minutes later with a glass of water and sat down on the coffee table across from him. 

She was wearing a Star Wars t-shirt with jeans and her fiery red hair was tied back into a ponytail. She was staring at Dean and it only took Dean a minute before he realized she was waiting for him to explain. It only took three words for him to start breaking down again, “I saw Cas.” And he started to have trouble breathing once more.

“Wait. Cas? Like Cas Cas?” He told Charlie all about his past on a night when he saw a billboard that reminded him of his dad and he drank way too much and ended up spilling his guts to Charlie because she was being so nice and took care of him all night.

All he could do in response to her question was nod before she crashed against him in a hug that stole his breath in a different way. “Charlie… can’t breathe.” She released him and he took a deep breath to calm himself before saying, “Cas came to the auto shop,” he started, only to rush on when he saw how excited Charlie got. Couldn’t let her think this was a happy story, no, Dean Winchester’s life being happy event? Please. “He, um, he didn’t know who I was.”

He watched as Charlie’s face fell and morphed into a look of sympathy or pity, he honestly couldn’t tell which. “Oh, babe, I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, um, not only that but he… he’s kinda an ass now,” he said as he huffed a teary laugh. All he could think about was that first day he met Cas. That first day he met his best friend, his everything. It was the happiest day of his life, and the worst was when Castiel left--seconded only by today. 

He kept seeing Castiel in his mind’s eye, kept seeing that look of blank ignorance on the love of his life’s face. His eyes started to tear up but he physically forced them back into his head, then took a long sip of water. 

When he saw Charlie take her phone out, he realized he left it in his locker with his keys. Fuck, he needed those things but did not think he could go back there right now. He also needed to tell Sam he didn’t need to be picked up tonight. “Hey Char, can I borrow your phone? I need to call Bobby, I forgot everything at work.” 

She handed him his phone and he dialed Bobby’s number. Bobby answered on the first ring. “Boy, you better have a goddamn amazing explanation for running out like that today. That customer was freakin’ pissed.”

“Yeah, um, I’ll explain later Bobby, I just need you to go into my locker and drop off my keys and phone.” Dean got up and started to pace around Charlie’s living room. 

“All right, but you are in deep shit. That guy demanded your name, to make a formal complaint to the big boss. Now, I know I am that big boss, which is why you are in  _ deep shit _ .”

Dean was about to make a witty or rude retort (same difference) when his mind came to a halt on three words. “Wait. He… he demanded my name? And you told him?” He waited for Bobby’s grunt of assent before continuing. “And he… he didn’t say anything?”

“Just where to fill in the work to make the complaint.”

Dean was shaking now. Charlie was looking more and more worried with every word exchanged. “Bobby… I’ve gotta go.” He hung up the phone and dropped it onto the floor. He felt like the world was tilting around him, he needed to lie down again. Only he couldn’t. He stayed glued to the same spot on the floor. 

That called it. That really, seriously called it. Dean Winchester's soulmate didn’t know who he was. He collapsed onto the floor of his best friend’s shitty little apartment and cried in her arms until the sun came up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know dean being open about his emotions is kinda ooc but like he's having a panic attack and he's comfy with Charlie so like it worked for me


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg sorry this took so long! thank you to everyone who left comments and is still reading, love you all.

Castiel was late for his meeting for the third damn time this week. His car was stalling almost every time he turned on the engine, and he didn’t have the time to go back to the mechanic’s office. Because of this, he decided the best course of action would be to take a taxi to work, only that the taxis in Kansas took forever to come. He was in the middle of a lawsuit, led by him and a very persuasive lawyer from a firm that’s been opposing Castiel’s since even before Castiel joined. 

Castiel worked at the firm that his family owned. They started the business around 40 years ago, and it was still up and running. With Castiel doing most of the work around here, the firm was doing more than well. Even though the opposing firm was lacking in money and class and… well, just about everything that made a good law firm, Castiel had to admit, they hired fantastic lawyers. This current one certainly gave Castiel a run for his money.

The lawsuit wasn’t even anything extremely important but it gave Castiel a chance to finally prove himself to his mother. She watched over everything he did, always taking the opportunity to point out any and all of Castiel’s flaws. It’s been going on for as long as Castiel can remember; he’s always been the runt of the litter in his family. He wasn’t the smartest like Micheal or the most devoted to the faith like Lucifer, or even the most fun like Gabriel. Castiel mostly liked to take walks and read poetry.

When he was younger, he could’ve sworn that there was always someone on those walks with him, and they would sit by the lake with rock music playing softly while Castiel read poetry aloud. Castiel smiled a little as he recalled the memory. For some reason, he can’t seem to remember who was with him. It must have been Gabriel, it’s not like Michael or Lucifer would have done that with him.

The sound of the glass door of his office opening startled Castiel back into business mode. There was no time for dilly-dallying and getting lost in pointless thoughts when he was at work. It was time to focus. He closed his laptop and looked up to see his mother. She was looking at him with a look that seemed to be a mix of disappointment and disinterest. “Castiel, were you daydreaming again?”

“No, Mother! Of course not. I was simply thinking about the lawsuit.” Lying had never come easy to him, although he remembers getting away with a lot of lying when he was younger. Odd.

“Hmm, yes. How is that going, if I may ask?” Castiel knew she was just being polite, she intended full well for him to tell her every detail.

“Well, things were a bit rocky at first; their lawyer was much better than expected, but I dealt with it and now I’m pretty sure we got this in the bag,” he told her formally.

“Castiel, you know how I feel about idioms,” she said, her voice short and clipped.

“Yes Mother, of course. I apologize. My mouth escaped me for a moment.”

“Hmm, just don’t let it happen again.” And with that Naomi turned around and left his office, leaving Castiel to stew in his office until lunch. He could not believe how stupid he was, to talk like that. He knew better, of course he knew better. Naomi probably wouldn’t let him forget this until he did something right, and her eyes that could take months. Jesus, he really needed to win this case.

Castiel started going through his e-mails, answering where expected and deleting more often than not. Truth be told, this case was pretty much already finished. Unless the other lawyer suddenly came up with new information, Castiel will be winning this case.

All of a sudden, his notification for his lunch break goes up and Castiel jumps a little bit. He looks at the clock hanging above his door and it is, in fact, 1 PM.

He gets up, and leaves his office to go across the street and get the sandwich he gets everyday. He presses the button on the elevator several times, for some reason believing the more you push it, the faster it comes. The door opens after a minute of him waiting impatiently. He enters and presses the button for the ground floor from the 36th floor that he worked on. He opens his phone to continue checking his e-mails. He opened one of his e-mail chains with his co-worker Bal.

**balthazar001@gmail.com**

Hey Cassie, just wanted to check up on you and make sure you got the doc i sent? We might be in trouble with that lawsuit.

—Bal

Castiel’s blood turned to ice and he was dimly aware that he started shaking. No, no, no. He needed to win this case. If he didn’t win this, his mother would be so mad. Her rage was controlled, and concentrated, and deadly. Naomi could suffocate you with her silence and you’d still come out of it craving her approval. 

** castielnovak3601@gmail.com **

Are you kidding me? What new information? You must have sent the doc to the e-mail i disconnected. Send it here immediately, the final meeting is supposed to be tomorrow, i CANNOT lose this case, do you hear me?

He sent the e-mail and closed his phone, this was not good. At the fourth floor the door opened, revealing the man from the mechanic shop. He entered before turning a wide-eyed look to Castiel. He could not deal with this man right now. “Is there something I can help you with?” He snapped.

The man’s wide eyes seemed to suddenly grow even wider and they got a bit glassy. “No...um. Sorry.” He looked down at the ground and the rest of the elevator ride was spent in silence. Castiel was sure he was radiating some form of icy terror. 

When the doors opened, he stormed out and reached the rotating doors that would let him leave when he realized he must have dropped and forgetten his briefcase in the elevator. He turned around, just to see the man from earlier holding out his briefcase to him. He took it before giving a curt nod toward the green-eyed man and turning around to go get his lunch.

There was something so familiar about those eyes, but he just couldn’t pin-point it.

* * *

_ Castiel just got back from school, when he hears his mother call him up to her room. It was a particularly bad day today, all his teachers wanted him to answer out loud, and he barely knew the answers because he hadn’t studied because his mother was doing what she’s about to do every night this week.  _

_ He deposited his school bag in the designated family office, and made his way upstairs to see his mother. Castile thinks he would probably feel worse about this happening every night if he didn’t know the same thing happened to Gabriel. _

_ Gabriel may be the prankster of the family, and while all his siblings love him, and adore watching his pranks unfold, his mother definitely did not share the sentiment. Gabriel constantly told Castiel that there was nothing wrong with him, yet it was so hard to believe because of his mother and the constant bullying at school. Still, Castiel appreciated the sentiment.  _

_ When he got upstairs, he saw his mother sitting on her bed, reading a book. It was probably a book about how to become more successful, Lord help anybody who tried to get Naomi to read something  _ just for fun _.  _

_ “Mother?” He started tentatively. _

_ “Oh Castiel, good.” She rose from the bed to stand in front of Castiel. She did this a lot, rising to her full height to tower over her children. It gave her some sick sense of power, and Castiel had to hand it to her, it really worked. Castiel shrunk in on himself slightly. “You know why you are here.” _

” _Yes, Mother. I stayed out five minutes past curfew.” It didn’t matter that Castiel lost track of time studying by the lake; with Naomi all that mattered was that he broke the rules. Usually, he would never be that careless but someone—_

_ “Exactly, Castiel. Please, take a seat.” She gestured towards the chair in the corner, and while Castiel went to the chair, she went and closed the door. She walked towards her dresser and opened the top left drawer.  _

_ Castiel felt a moment of resentment towards Micheal and Lucifer for almost never having to experience this.  _

_ Naomi walks over to Castiel, and Castiel tenses up, preparing for the moment. He immediately feels stupid, however, because Naomi was just going around him to find the outlet. “Now, Castiel, please. Hold still. We wouldn’t like for this to take longer than necessary.” No, no he really wouldn’t. _

_His last thought before he heard the drill turn on, was that those green eyes looked so_ _perfectly beautiful under the sunlight that he thinks he found his new favourite colour._

* * *

Castiel shook that thought out of his head, he had no idea where it came from. It’s not like he had a face to go along with the eyes, or anything. That memory was irrelevant. 

He walked through the door of his favourite sandwich shop and—as always— barked his usual order (steak sub on plain Italian bread, with lettuce, mayo and cheddar cheese) while checking his ever-present e-mails. After he gets his sandwich wrapped in tinfoil, (which took longer than usual, he’ll have to talk with the cook about that) he leaves the restaurant to go to his favourite bench in the park. It’s so serene there. There’s never any stupid kids playing a game, or idiots walking their dogs. Castiel is able to enjoy the sun without his mother breathing down his neck. 

It’s one of the few times Castiel thanks his lucky stars that he’s alive and able to enjoy the moment. 

He opens the package with his sandwich and takes his first bite. It always tastes like heaven. Much better than the sandwiches he could ever make by himself. He’s about to take a second bite when his phone suddenly starts to ring.

He sighs, there goes his peaceful afternoon with nature and his sandwich; back to business mode it is. He puts his lunch down on the bench next to him and pulls his phone out of his pocket. He sighs again when he sees the caller ID. “Hello,” he barks.

“Nice to hear from you, too,” Micheal deadpans. Castiel is really not in the mood. “Listen, there’s an issue with your case, you need to get down here now.” Micheal hangs up immediately afterwards. 

Castiel’s irritation immediately transforms into dread and fear. If he loses this case… he doesn’t even want to think about what will happen. He quickly picks up his belongings and rushes back to work. It’s a fifteen minute walk from the park to Novak Inc., but he makes it in ten. 

He gets to work and repeatedly presses the button of the elevator. He taps his foot on the floor impatiently during the two minutes it takes for the elevator doors to open. He gets on and continues tapping his foot until he gets to the 36th floor. He shoves past someone on his way out and doesn’t even bother looking back at who it was.

He storms into the conference room, actually almost shatters the glass door when he slams it closed. “What’s going on? Somebody talk.”

* * *

As it turned out, that document Bal was talking about earlier was extremely important because nobody on his team of very respected lawyers knows how to get it annulled. 

It’s 11:30 by the time he gets all his work done, thanks to the meeting taking up all his time. He hits send on his final e-mail, submitting the paperwork for the night. He takes his coat off the rack by the door and starts to go home.

He’s on the street waiting for a cab for 15 minutes before he decides there won’t be any out this late at night and he has to walk. It’s about a 45 minute walk home and he is really not wearing the appropriate attire.

His walk home allows time for his mind to wander. He really does not want to think about work right now and for some reason his mind strays to that boy with the green eyes. There was something just so familiar about him and he honestly had no idea what it was. It’s infuriating having this memory — if it could even be called that — and having no clue where it comes from or what to do with it. 

It’s too late to be thinking about something that makes his head hurt like this, so he looks to the road on the off chance that a taxi will magically appear, and to his luck, there is. He hails the cab and gets in the backseat. He barks his address to the cabby and immediately picks his phone out of his pocket. He opens his text chain with Gabriel and reads his latest message. 

** Gabe—12:37 PM:  ** going out for drinks tomorrow night, wanna join

**Me—11:43 PM:** Ugh do I have to? I have so much work to do, this recent case is really kicking me in the butt.

 **Gabe—11:43 PM:** yes u have to and pls tell me ur not still believe mom about not swearing

 **Me—11:44 PM:** It’s a very reasonable policy, Gabe.

He puts his phone away as he nears his destination. He basically throws money at the driver and gets out of the cab. He just wants to lay down in his bed and go to sleep forever. He puts his key in the lock and steps into his home, takes his shoes off and throws his coat on the arm of the sofa chair.

It’s then when he sees her lying on his couch, wearing nothing but a green little negligee and fast asleep, with drool coming out of her mouth. _Right. Anna_ , he thinks. His fiancée must have wanted to try sex again. He keeps telling her he wants to wait until marriage, per his mother’s request, but he thinks she can tell that it’s bull.

Don’t get him wrong, he loves Anna, he’s just not sure he’s in love with her. He’s definitely not sure he’s even attracted to her. He thinks she can tell, as well.

Last time they tried to have sex, it had been catastrophic.

_ Castiel was ready. He was sure. Tonight he was finally going to seduce Anna. They had been engaged two months now and he could tell she was getting impatient. So tonight was the night. _

_ He’s been lying on their bed naked for 10 minutes, waiting for her to get home. He finally hears the jingle of the keys in the front door and starts to prepare himself. He situates himself in the middle of the bed, doing what he thinks is the sexiest pose he can muster.  _

_He hears her gasp, more than sees her enter. Castiel looks up from his position on the bed_ _and sees her drop everything she’s holding. She runs to him, with a gigantic smile on her face and says, “Really? Are you sure?”_

_ He nods. “100%” _

_ She starts taking off her clothes and Castiel sits there, firmly aware of his arousal—or lack of, as it would be. She takes off her pants, and then her bra, and then her underpants. For some reason, Castiel feels off, like there is something fundamentally wrong with this, and it makes him nervous.  _

_ At this point, Anna is completely naked, just like Castiel. He gets up off the bed to pull the covers off of it. He gets under the covers and beckons Anna over to join him. She gets under the blankets and turns toward him.  _

_ Anna clearly is not feeling the same trepidation, as she leans in to kiss him fervently. He tries to kiss back with the same enthusiasm and when she reaches between his legs to feel him limp, she stops what she’s doing. _

_ Castiel is about to apologize, say he’s sorry, he doesn’t know what’s wrong, just give him a minute, when she surprises him by speaking. “Oh honey, that’s okay, I’ll make it better.” With those words, she climbs under the blankets and between his legs and starts mouthing at his dick.  _

_“Oh wow,” he has no clue if that's a whimper of pleasure or discomfort. When she takes all of him in her mouth, and still there’s nothing, he tries to think of something arousing. The first image that pops up is a baseball team, and he briefly wonders how he even knows what that looks like when something happens._

_ He hears this terrible drilling noise. He has no clue where it’s coming from. As she begins to suck him in earnest, and the images in his mind get clearer, so does the noise. Distant at first, it gets louder and louder until he’s almost sure his brain is bleeding. “Ah! Anna, something is wrong!” He shouts to try and get her attention.  _

_ He sees her pop her head up and maybe she saw something but it's all drowned out by the noise and the pain. He feels her arms wrap around him, and then he blacks out. _

* * *

He still has no clue what happened that night. He doesn’t dare try and relive it.

He shakes the memory of that awful night off his body as he goes to wake Anna. He shakes her shoulder lightly as to gently rouse her from sleep. “Anna? Honey?” His tactic doesn’t work because Anna wakes violently, her legs kicking as she practically jumps off the couch. 

She looks up at him and immediately calms down. “Castiel. Oh,” she says as she looks down at her state of undress. “I was waiting for you to come home. I was hoping we could, you know, try...again.” 

“I’m so sorry, Anna. There was something wrong with my case, and the meeting was unexpected. It pushed back all my plans, I was only able to leave at 11:30.”

“Oh. I would’ve appreciated a text or call, but I understand.” She gets up off the couch and grabs Castiel’s hand. “Let’s go to bed, okay?” They go off toward the bedroom, and Castiel immediately just collapses into bed and falls asleep.

—

He wakes with a start, sweaty from the nightmare, yet silent lest he wake his fiancée. The crazy thing about nightmares — or Castiel’s at least — is that he never remembers them. They can be brutal, or insane, and he can wake up in a scared daze, but he just never remembers them. He really only remembers the good ones; the ones about grass, sky and trees and how it’s incredibly vibrant, exploding with colours and thoughts, all circling him and enveloping him with their warmth. He supposes it’s a gift that he only remembers those ones.

He decides to go and get a glass of water to quench the thirst that arose during his nightmare. He rises from the bed slowly, only to see that his clothes have been changed from his suit to his pyjamas. Must have been Anna.

The floor is cold against his bare feet but it helps calm his racing heart after the dream. He gets his glass of water from the sink, only to realize it doesn’t work to get his mind off everything that happened today. Because of the especially trying day he had, he has a feeling his nightmare had to with his mother.

All of a sudden, he thinks that maybe a drive with some incredibly loud music might work better than water to take his mind off things. He goes back to his bedroom to put some socks and shoes on. He won’t need proper clothes since he won’t be getting out of the car in the first place.

He opens the garage door as silently as possible, even though Anna is the heaviest sleeper he knows. He starts the car and just drives out. He turns on the music as loud as possible. Castiel’s taste in music is basically non-existent so he just listens to whatever’s on the radio at the moment. It works to tune out his thoughts and calm his heart, he just has to focus on the lyrics, instead.

_ Hey, I just met you _

_ And this crazy _

_ But here’s my number _

_ So call me maybe _

He finds himself humming along while tapping his fingers against the steering wheel to the beat. Even though he’s not smiling, he thinks this isn’t half bad, and was definitely a good plan. Except of course his semi-good mood doesn’t last because when was the last time he got something he wanted?

His car starts to stall, groaning and creeping until he manages to pull over. He doesn’t know where the hell he is, has nobody to call and knows nothing about cars. Wonderful.

He gets out of the car and goes to the hood, opening it up to look at the damage. “Fuck!” He exclaims. Great, now he has a distant headache, too.

“Hey, you okay?” He looks up at the voice, only to cringe internally when he sees the green-eyed man from the mechanic shop. The man’s eyes widen when he sees who he's talking to, probably thinking what a douche Castiel is. Castiel isn't ashamed to say that he wouldn’t be wrong.

“Yes, except that my car has decided to stall in the middle of the night, when I have no idea where I am.” He chooses that moment to check out his surroundings. He seems to be in an area filled with dingy, old apartment complexes that all look the same. That’s very unhelpful.

“Well, I could give you directions back to your place and help fix up your car, if you need?”

“That would be wonderful, thank you.”

“Yeah, of course. It’s no problem.” He flicks his cigarette butt to the floor, and extinguishes it by stepping on it. Well, that explains why he's outside in the middle of the night. He goes to the car and looks into the engine. He inspects it for a bit and then sighs, “Okay, so good news and bad news. Good news is I know what the problem is, bad news is it’s gonna take a while for me to fix. You might wanna sit tight.”

Castiel falls down on the pavement, getting his pyjama pants all wet, and sets in for a long night of awkward conversation with the man with the green eyes, who makes Castiel feel like he’s missing something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for any mistakes or plot holes lol


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you're all doing well after the finale and the heartbreak
> 
> anyway have some more angst!

Dean wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry. This was all just so freaking absurd. The man of his dreams, the one person that could make Dean’s legs turn to jelly and make his brain explode with thoughts and memories, the one person that could turn his dreams into reality and let him live in colour instead of black and white. That person was sitting on the side of the road, letting Dean fix his car, all the while having no idea who Dean is.

A laugh bubbles up from his throat against his will and when it dies down, tears threaten to spill down his face. He blinks them away, refusing to cry in front of this man he doesn’t even recognize.

He opens the hood and sees that the engine is pretty much shot to hell. He could fix it out here, but it would for sure take a while and he doesn't have all the tools he needs. “‘Kay so your engine is basically DOA, I mean I have no clue how you even got this far. I could fix it enough, so that you could get to the garage, where I’d have the proper tools and time to actually fix it.”

Castiel looks up from his spot on the floor and sighs, makes a gesture with his hands that Dean takes to mean “go ahead.” Dean does not want to stay out all night with this guy. He needs help. “Um, I’m just gonna head up to my apartment real quick and grab some tools. Sit tight.”

He doesn’t wait for an answer, just runs to the door, swings it open and bounds up the stairs. He should’ve taken the elevator but, in his anxiety-warped mind, he thought this would be faster. By the time he gets to Charlie’s door, he's panting and sweating, and basically a disgusting mess.

He knocks on Charlie’s door about 15 times before she opens the door, her hair wet, and clad in nothing but a bathrobe. She smirks and looks up through her eyelashes before seeing who’s there and dropping the act. “What do you want, Winchester?”

“Cas is down there. He needs me to fix his car.” It sounds even more ridiculous when he says it out loud. 

“Okay, Dean. I would love to help out with your boy drama, and be your buffer, ‘cause you know I love me some gay drama, however, I cannot. I have a lady friend coming over.” She waggles her eyebrows and at that exact moment, someone behind him clears their throat. Dean turns around and comes face to face with a beautiful girl with long, blonde hair and wearing a crop top and mini skirt. 

Dean averts his eyes and clears his throat, “Well, then. I guess I’ll leave you to it, uh, Britney Spears.” Dean tries not to laugh when the girl looks confused. 

He hears Charlie scream “Rude!” And in light of everything that’s happening right now, he hears himself laugh. Charlie closes the door with a smile mixed with a bit of a scowl. He turns around to go into his apartment, the ghost of a smile still on his lips. He fishes his keys out of his pants and fumbles around with the lock, until he’s able to open the door, despite his hands shaking furiously. 

He leaves the door open behind him as he walks into the room, momentarily forgetting where he left the toolbox. He stands in the middle of the room like an idiot until he realizes it might be in his dresser, so he heads over to his bedroom, opens the drawer and finds his stupid, ugly clothes. But no toolbox. Fucking wonderful.

He thinks hard about where he left it but comes up completely blank. Great. He sighs as he falls down onto his bed. The bed squeaks as his weight crushes against it and Dean winces in sympathy; he totally feels its pain. 

He holds his head in his hands, body slightly shaking as his thoughts start to race. _God_ , this whole situation is so fucked. How did it even come to this? One minute, he's working alone in his shop, idly fixing cars, doing pretty much everything he ever dreamed of doing, and then his past comes rolling into town and Dean is suddenly helpless to stop his emotions from coming out of his fucking pores? Fuck, he is Dean Winchester, relationships and people _do not_ mess him up this bad. Although, the main reason none of that ever fucked him up is because nobody ever compared to what he and Cas had. Because when Cas left, Dean was destroyed in all the ways a person could ever be destroyed. It left him all mangled, broken, having no clue how to put himself back together. Hell, Sam even told him he caught the goddamn flu and Dean had been too out of it from the emotional pain to even register it. 

Cas broke him. Plain and simple. He shouldn’t even be entertaining the thought of him, after what he did. So how come every time he closes his eyes, he sees Cas and him; all they were and all they could’ve been. Then the sharp sting of pain returns and suddenly Dean can’t sleep anymore. This whole situation is so _fucked_. 

And now he’s been up here for like five more minutes than necessary and Cas is probably about to leave and even after everything he just thought, he can't stand the thought that he might leave again. So he gets up off his sorry fucking ass, and goes to the bathroom cause he thinks he left it in there the last time his pipes leaked, which was like yesterday, because god forbid he affords a plumber to _actually_ fix the problem. 

Sure enough, there it is, lying underneath a bunch of spare toothbrushes and hand towels. He picks it up, hearing it rattle which causes him to think _g_ _reat, so I left everything loose again._ He places it on the counter and looks at himself in the mirror.

He looks awful. Not disgusting, really. He knows he’s good looking, his fair share of men and women have explicitly stated so, but at the moment, he looked like he’d been waiting for a train and he fell asleep and while he was asleep it came by at rocket speed, messing up his hair, and the lack of sleep causing the dark circles under his eyes. 

For some reason, seeing his reflection look like this causes a surge of deep anger to rumble through Dean’s bones. This is all Cas’s goddamn fault. He had been _perfectly fine_ before Mr. Perfect decided to show up and ruin the whole goddamn thing. He had a life, a great life, with great people and everything. He was _happy_. Well, maybe not completely, but he was getting there. And _now,_ fuck, now everything is all messed up.

Dean looks up at the mirror again and with all his renewed anger, he punches the mirror in front of him. He barely registers the pain cause all he hears is the mirror shattering and absently wonders if his heart was making the same sound. It sure felt like it.

“Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” or some shit like that. Personally, Dean thinks that’s bullshit. Because never loving someone doesn’t feel like being punched in the gut repeatedly. Losing the one person who showed you what love truly means is not better than never loving. Because at least if he hadn’t loved Cas, he wouldn’t be staring at the fractured mirror, begging his broken self to piece his heart back together.

He sits down on the edge of the bathtub, running a hand through his hair, and exhaling slowly. He just needs a goddamn minute, Cas be damned. 

* * *

Castiel had been waiting for 20 minutes, like a fool. He can't believe he trusted this complete stranger to fix his car in the middle of the night. He has been sitting on the filthy ground, effectively ruining his favourite pajama pants. Anna will be so upset when he tells her where he’s been. He hadn’t originally planned on it but when she sees his pants or if he gets home too late because he trusted this guy, or it simply takes that long to fix the car, Anna will be _furious._

He’s in the process of berating himself for being a complete imbecile while getting up when he hears the door open again. He turns his head, wincing when it aches from being in the same place for too long a time. He sees Dan (?) standing by the door with a toolbox in hand. Now Castiel is berating himself for _not_ trusting the man. Gabriel had instilled a trust system in him when he was young, but that must have been overridden by his mother and her _Trust nobody ever, Castiel. Everyone is alway working against you. Remember that_ mentality at some point.

“Hey, sorry that took so long. My crap memory combined with the cig high equals forgetting where I put the damn toolbox.” Dean sets the toolbox on the ground and lifts the hood again. He looks back at Castiel, wringing his hands together, clearly nervous, though Castiel has no idea why.

“Oh, really, it’s no problem at all,” he lies. “Regardless, I don't believe we’ve been formally introduced yet. I’m Castiel. Dan, right?” Something passes over Dean’s face but it’s gone so quick, Castiel doesn’t have time to decipher it. Castiel extends a hand, preparing to shake it.

“No, actually it’s Dean,” he says while he takes Castiel’s hand. 

“Dean, my apologies.”

“No problem, man. Anyways, this will take a while so either we stew in awkward silence or start up a scintillating conversation,” Dean says with a grin. 

Castiel isn’t one for witty repartee so he simply replies, “I think the latter sounds suitable.” A look akin to the previous one shadows Dean’s features for a split second again, before he laughs, and if Castiel didn’t know any better, he’d say it sounded a bit hollow. But what did he know, he was hardly an expert in laughter. He laughed with Anna some, but it was always more robotic than anything. 

“Whatever, man. You just gotta promise you won’t fall in love with me.” It was a statement, but his voice lilted up at the end as if it was a question. Odd. “I can be pretty charming.” Castiel flushed and felt fluttering in his stomach. 

“I can assure you that won’t be an issue.” For the third time in ten minutes, a look passes over Dean’s face, and this time Castiel was able to tell. It looked like… grief? That can’t be right, what would he possibly be grieving about? But again, it’s gone just as soon as it appears. 

“If you’re sure, but let me warn you, man. I have a way about me.” He says this with a sensual roll of his hips, while fiddling with a wrench, and Castiel feels blood rush to his cheeks and his--

He turns away from Dean to go and sit down on the curb again. He doesn’t know if he needs to sit or needs to not be looking at Dean at that moment. He puts that moment in the back of his mind, inside that little box he’s too scared to open and sits back down on the grimy floor. “Um, anyway, if we will be spending so much time together tonight, we might as well get to know each other. So, tell me about yourself, Dean.”

Dean bends over the hood of the car, bringing his shirt up a bit as he fiddles with something Castiel couldn’t care less about. He averts his eyes. “Well, Cas.” Cas? Huh. Why did that sound familiar? “I run the mechanic shop you met me at with my uncle. I’m pretty close with my brother, which I’m honestly pretty proud of cause lots o’ people can’t say that, ya know?” He does. “Sammy wanted to be a lawyer his whole life, and goddamnit the kid actually did it. Currently studying at law school. I couldn’t be prouder.” That makes something tingle in the back of his mind, but he ignores it. 

“I can tell, from the way you speak about him.”

“Yeah, well, I practically raised the kid, what with my dad being a fucking drunk asshole and nearly dying every other day. Hard not to be proud when the person you raised becomes a lawyer, you know?” 

He actually didn’t, but he nodded anyway. His family was negligent at best, estranged at worst. “Anyway, enough about me. Tell me about yourself. What are you like now? Uh... I mean, what are you like?”

“Well, ironically, I’m a lawyer. In fact, I’m currently in the middle of a quite harrowing case. The opposing team surprisingly gives us a run for our money. And I’m the lead but if I fail this my mother will finally have enough incentive to fire me and I have worked too hard and sacrificed too much for that to happen.” Castiel hadn’t realized how passionate he was about this topic. The feeling was a bit foreign, since he’s gotten rid of most of the things he was passionate about for his mother. “I apologize, I didn't mean to dump all of that on you,” he said sheepishly.

“Nah, don’t worry about it, man,” he said as he tinkered with something in the car. “We all have those topics that make us want to shout.”

“And what would that be for you, Dean?” Castiel asked.

He seemed to hesitate for a second before saying, “Well, when I was younger, I had this friend. He helped me with so much, you know. I never realized how much I needed him until he showed up. Anyway, eventually, we turned into more than friends, ya know. We were pretty happy for awhile but then he moved away and never told me why. Broke my heart.” He said that last part so low, Castiel had to strain to hear.

He wanted to say many things. He wanted to say _that sounds awful_ or _nobody should ever go through that_ but what he came out of his mouth was, “You’re gay?” He hated himself. “Uh, I mean-”

“Nah, dude it’s cool. I am not gay, bisexual.” Castiel could never imagine being so open about something like that. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

An awkward silence descended upon them and Castiel couldn’t help but feel like it was fault. According to his mother, everything was his fault. 

* * *

_It was Castiel’s 16th birthday today and he felt like shit. He was home late last night, so his mother clearly had to “punish” him. It wasn’t even his fault, but he couldn’t tell her that. If he told her that it was the lake again, she would freak out._

_Oh, who was he kidding, of course it was his fault. He should’ve been the one to stop, to say they have to get home, his mom will kill him. The scary part was, if she found out what he was doing, he wasn’t sure she wouldn’t try it._

_At that moment, his door banged open, and his heartbeat skyrocketed, afraid it was his mom. He was supposed to be doing homework or writing lines, not daydreaming, not thinking as freely as he was--_

_“Jeez, bro, calm down.” Gabriel. It was just Gabriel. Oh, sweet Lord, he almost had a heart attack. “I just came to see if I made a pie would you wanna share?”_

_Pie. Honestly, he hated pie. He didn’t like the texture, barely tolerated the flavour. His disgust must have shown on his face, cause Gabe just chuckled and went, “Oh right. You hate it. What if I made some and your lover boy D--”?_

* * *

“CAS! CAS! Come on, man!”

Cas had been screaming for five minutes and was spaced out for maybe ten. He was holding his head in his hands and digging his nails into his scalp. Dean had been talking to himself, and only realized it after he didn’t get an answer to a repeated question. 

Cas looked up at Dean with such confusion, Dean wondered if maybe whatever happened did something to his memories. “Dean? What happened?”

“You, like, totally spaced and started screaming like you were in _Friday the 13th_.”

Cas looked super scared, like he had no idea what had just happened. Dean felt like it was his fault. He had gone on and on about his pathetic little love story, in the vain hope it would spark _something_ in Cas’s memory. _Something_ that would say Dean meant something to him, because it meant _the whole fucking world_ to Dean. 

“I’m sorry, I have no clue what happened. I just thought of something, and I guess I must have blacked out.” He looked around, probably trying to assess where he was. He looked down at the ground, shook his head and closed his eyes. “Um, how is the car coming along?” 

Dean swore he got whiplash from the change of subject. “Uh, good, I guess. I got a better look at the damage so, should only be another half hour.”

Castiel got up off the ground suddenly and got in his car. Dean had no idea what he was doing until he picked his phone up and put it to his ear. He couldn’t hear the conversation, and he wondered how soundproof Castiel’s car was. He decided to just work on the car cause the sooner it was over, the sooner he could go to bed and lay awake for 5 hours thinking, before he had to get up and go to work. He got tired just thinking about it. 

The car’s engine was a horror show, and Dean quickly lost himself in the work. He could do this for hours, just fixing up a car and not thinking. His mind was like a car radio, sometimes. He could be hearing white noise, not a single thought in his head. Other times, his subconscious is taken over with classic rock and Taylor Swift songs (though he’d never admit that last part to Sam). At the moment, he was stuck on a radio silence channel, tuning out everything except the low humming in his mind, which calmed him down enough to thoroughly enjoy his task. 

He jolted out of his thoughts when the car door opened to reveal Cas looking ten years older than he did mere minutes (or had it been longer?) ago when he entered the vehicle. “Woah, Cas, what’s wrong?” 

“That was my boss. Apparently, all the work I had done was for nothing, because our entire project just fell through. I put so many hours, sacrificed so much for this, then the other team pulls out a piece of evidence that we had no idea existed, and now we are basically ‘fucked’ as my brother would say.” 

Dean had to look away after the all too familiar air quotes gesture. God, this is really weighing on him. He felt a hand on his shoulder which caused him to jump before he turned around to see Castiel there with a sympathetic look on his face. Dean really wishes he wasn’t this fucking pathetic. 

Cas is going through something bad right now, and here Dean is, making Cas comfort _him._ He really hates himself. “I’m really sorry your project fell through. I can't even imagine how awful it must be.”

“Thank you. I’d like to say that it’s okay, but it isn’t. My mother will be so upset with me, I’m gonna lose a bunch of money and my fiancée will try to understand, but she will be so mad about the loss of money.” Cas never told Dean about his mother but that didn’t sound good. Cas looked down with the saddest eyes Dean had seen in a while -- well, apart from the ones he sees in the mirror practically daily -- so Dean went over to comfort him. However, Dean’s thoughts are so far from comfort at the moment. Cas is _engaged?_ To a _woman?_ Goddamnit! Cas was gay. Dean fucking knew this. Cas told him. 

* * *

_“Dean, I have to tell you something.” They were laying on the grass, holding each other, watching the sunrise over the lake. This spot had been theirs since they first met 10 years ago and Cas’s parents were out of town, Dean’s dad hadn’t been around for about a week now, so Dean told Sammy to go to a friend's house so he could spend the night outside with Cas._

_They had stayed up all night talking and kissing, and Dean honestly doesn’t think it could get any better than lying down with his best friend (boyfriend?) and enjoying the contrast of a cool summer morning and the heat of the rising sun._

_Dean ran his hands up and down Cas’s arms in a soothing manner. “What is it?”_

_“I—I’m gay.” Dean laughs so hard his head falls back and his eyes close. He feels Cas move away from him, so he opens his eyes and immediately sobers. “Why are you laughing?”_

_“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to. It’s just—Obviously, Cas. I mean we were kissing all night,” he says with a lopsided smile._

_“Well, yes. But you never knew._ _I never knew._ _This was an important matter to me, something that took a lot of courage to suggest and for you to just laugh like that. It—it hurt.” Cas was nearly silent for that last part, like it took a lot of courage for him to admit that. Now Dean felt like a jackass._

_“I’m sorry, Cas. I just felt like it was kinda obvious. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.” Dean walks up behind Cas and wraps his arms around his waist. They stare out at the water until Dean feels Cas hold his hands. He could live in this moment forever._

* * *

Moments like that aren’t just forgotten. They stick with you, just like they stuck with Dean. For his whole life. He didn’t know why this was making him so upset. Logically he knows something bad must have happened to Cas for him to not remember anything. He knows that, _logically._ Irrationally, Dean wants to punch something because the person that impacted his life the most, other than his father, is now engaged. To a woman. Fuck, he needs a drink.

Dean abandons Cas and goes back to working on the car, hoping the sooner it’s done, the sooner he can drink these memories away. “I apologize. You don’t really care, clearly. I’ll just sit here.”

Now Dean feels like a jackass. What else is new. “Nah, I’m sorry, man. I do need to finish the car, but we can still talk.”

“Okay, well. Would it be acceptable for me to ask if you have somebody in your life?”

“Sure, man. Uh, nobody at the moment. Not for awhile, actually. I mean, I’m not celibate or anything, I mean the last person I slept with was about a week ago and even though I thought it might be going somewhere, he obviously did not feel the same way. Story of my life and all that. Everyone leaving, when I think it means more. I’ve only had the real thing twice in my life and neither of those times have ended well. I mean, Lisa was a goddamn train wreck and the guy before that left me so broken I can hardly think straight sometimes. I mean he wa—”

“I do not mean to interrupt but my fiancée is calling. I sincerely apologize, I’d love to hear more, just give me a moment?” Dean nods dumbly and Cas walks away to answer the phone.

There is no way Dean just gave up his entire romantic history. No. Way. Oh fucking lord, he hates himself more than anything in the world right now. Again, nothing new, but he doesn’t have an immediate escape. Fuck. He needs to finish this car right the fuck now. Focusing all his attention on the engine in front of him, he starts to seriously get to work.

He wasn’t even working for ten minutes by the time the car was done. Well, as done as it could get. Cas would have to go to the mechanic where they could order new parts for him, but it’s pretty much done. Thank fuck, this has been a night and he’d like to go home and sleep for… Well, forever.

Cas is still on the phone so Dean does one last cursory glance over the car, deems it good enough to drive and slams the hood of the car back into place. That seems to be the wrong move, however, when Dean hears a loud crash sound. He looks down at the car with dread and sees that he broke Cas’s car. He was supposed to fix it, but he broke it further.

Well, if that ain’t just the story of his life.

To make matters worse, Cas comes rushing over, phone in hand, screaming, asking if Dean was alright. Dean wasn’t alright but it had nothing to do with the car.

“I’m fine, Cas, I just, uh, I think I broke your car,” Dean said sheepishly. He rubs the back of his neck in an old habit, hoping Cas doesn’t freak out.

“Oh,” is all he says. He turns to stare at the car and Dean is kinda scared cause Cas used to have a temper that could rival the school bully, but all Cas does is shrug and say, “Well, I had to see the mechanic anyway.”

Dean is honestly flabbergasted by Cas’s show of indifference, he doesn’t say anything for a bit. Cas fills the silence. “Well, anyway, I’m not able to drive home, my fiancée is pissed and won’t pick me up and I don’t want to take the bus this late. Any chance you’d be willing to drive me? It’s not far, I promise.”

“Yeah, I guess that’d be okay.” His voice sounds strained.

They drive in awkward silence.

They arrive.

Cas says goodbye.

Dean waves lamely.

Cas gets out of the car.

He meets a pretty red-headed woman on the porch.

They kiss.

Dean sees her face.

Dean’s stomach falls.

Dean drives home in a daze.

He unlocks the door to his apartment.

He unlocks the wine cellar.

He takes the whiskey he hasn’t touched in five months, hidden in the back of the cooler.

He takes his first swig of many.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments keep me going :)
> 
> follow my tumblr btw: spinningtime

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! it really means a lot, please leave kudos and a comment if you enjoyed! love you all


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